Sometimes life is just plain and simply weird. it’s neither good nor bad. just weird.
and i kept your thoughts on my south side window,
on the sill,
to dry and hoard what you never admitted though.
first it had just become mine, then also yours… the last will…
contemplating the feelings that you had,
i abandoned the noted words that remained unsaid.
it’s been an empty ride on a hollow carousel.
that i took you on as a last resort to sell,
or donate some cells. that would make the whole more than the sum of its
parts.
the heart wants what it wants they had said. what are these hearts?
the pale and empty-eyed look.
-hidden in the corner, of your safe nook-
that you gave me, when i came to pay my respects one more time.
caused the deepest piercing pain and cut the lifeline.
back then it had hurt to see you like that.
i can now see it for it was. a path mislead.
and silence slowly resonates in circles within.
so one last time i look back and grin.
n = oo
y = 0!
we have reason to believe that you changed your curtains.
get back in line and feel like everyone is obliged to.
thank you.
n remains oo
heavy rotation for the past few weeks. there’s a pattern.
in no particular order. just fucking listen, for f’s sake!
and slowly.
you crawl.
i had told them already.
that you’re not in good shape.
but we both knew.
and we know.
it’s always been like that.
they said “he should know”.
and i thought so as well.
but as stubborn as you’d always been…
of course you didn’t care.
now it’s me who’s going to be be-widowed.
and you’ll just take the easy way out.
as you always knew you would.
and stopped hinting at.
to anyone.
f#*&^cking a$$hole.
“i knew you knew, so don’t you give me the bs treatment”.
you said.
and yet, you’re right, in that, that no one wants you to stay.
or needs you.
so go.
leave and be free.
f u and good-bye.
and i’m back to where i didn’t belong.
no matter what.
too close.
has everything gotten.
to me.
walls.
closing in.
keeping me.
trapped.
cornered.
like the famous panther.
behind the bars.
stop me right here.
or he will have to.
but before i go.
allow me to sing you one last lullaby.
the one they used to soothe me.
when i needed it.
stop me right here.
or he will have to.
hush.
quiet.
say not a word.
they will not trust and neither understand.
hush.
quiet.
they will not understand nor trust.
stop me right here.
or he will have to.
if you think you found the path they sought-after for you.
you’re mistaken.
no one ever seeks for you.
nor does anyone for me.
we’re in this together.
alone.
with glass sparkles in your eyes.
guiding the way.
Another one who passed far too early. Thank you for the inspiration!
an empty table set.
to host an uninvited guest.
an old, well-known friend.
entering with a following of a hollow shadow from the past painted on
their face.
presenting itself in dark tones.
blessed and broken lays the lake’s face.
right in front of us.
in plain sight.
you kneeled down to pray when i entered.
in awe and regret.
forever and a day it’s been, since the last encounter.
the final bullet is still warm.
from when their hands held it tight.
in the light of things though, everything looks dissimilar now.
the light is different.
the pain. gone.
did you see,
who you wanted to be?
did you hide my secret letters about thee?
and the questions on abandoning the other me?
did you hide yourself and what you did see?
from what could grab its silent, heavy claws around a quiet “we”.
an open door, in the middle of the hallway.
that you’d stride on your way out and up and then away.
malleable thoughts keep penetrating the holes in your skin.
deep enough to narrow the others’ well meant wisdom and unreflected
sin.
turn around in front (of) my mirror,
and tell me with your mind now clearer:
did you see,
who i wanted you to be?
we bathed in lies.
you said, it had been my eyes.
that made you feel yourself.
when you had placed them on your shelf.
i moaned when you placed the knives.
when we had decided to take out our lives.
we embraced the sun and danced with the dark.
when the fire wore down and we were left with just a quiet spark.
we didn’t own the night.
we didn’t have the right.
now we will have to keep on running.
ignoring any and all advice for dunning.
it’s all saved inside the long still night.
and now i know you had been right.
during all these times of dark and light.
now i’m safe. knowing that you have died.
good night, my love. good-bye, my knight.
i came for you when you were asleep.
to dress in your skin.
you had that much to lose. though no thing to keep.
your mind had been aching.
and i wanted you to wear my dress.
soothingly, i snowed you in.
deep into my spinal marrow, i confess.
it’s been a dream for both. i starved you thin.
our nude frames resting silently.
after the act you felt secure.
vulnerable, invincible, unconditional and violently.
and all i had wanted was to feel you, pure.
remember when we entered the scene.
all eyes were upon us.
no space for fear in between.
which is how i gained your trust.
i saw you for who you are.
no matter how far.
away you were.
i had moaned upon your touch and my senses went blur(ry).
though you wouldn’t answer my call.
that one summer night you left me to fall.
whenever i was wearing your skin i felt overdressed.
you had always said you loved me and i known it’d just been a test.
so i had to destroy what could’ve been.
and still i don’t regret our sin.
it is only now, that i remember my selfish crime.
i killed a man. just for his blood.
he had knelt deeply in the grime.
i located his artery with my knife. he didn’t fight back and just fell.
with a thud.
another easy win.
as i always did.
i morned his loss though. together with his next of kin.
and on his funeral day, our farewells we bid.
it is only now, that i remember my selfish sin.
i killed a man. just for the pleasure.
his patience had been wearing thin.
i held his head. he didn’t move when i broke his neck. and i kept
holding him. my treasure.
i keep coming back to our tree. the one you loved and whose scent
your skin always carried.
the one through which i can still smell you on me.
the one next to which you are now buried.
i had told you that i’d always miss you.
and i had told you that i’d always love you.
this much i know to be true.
…now that you’re free.
cold,
and soaking in drowning waters.
deep,
like an endless shadow casting colors onto numbed faces.
empty,
wandering onto unknown paths.
where would thou go, if there had not been directions given to thee?
empty linen, covering deadly sins.
unformulated questions never recorded.
it’s about what’s been left unsaid.
dead eyes. from hollow orbits they breathe.
out.
in.
lay down and sleep.
lost words, that were longed for, for far too long,
keep hanging from dried flowers on your kitchen counter.
its faded colors make for another portrait background.
lowering its ashes down into the ground.
music i’ve been listening to on heavy rotation throughout this year and highly recommend. in no particular order.
here we go again. the next chapter we read about so much.
so often. open. close.
yet another end that had just begun.
only to again fade before the actual start.
abandoned stars look kindly down onto the scene.
observing the repetition with a devlish grin.
all in or not at all.
head first, diving in and jumping on the rollercoaster.
off the shore and on to another coast.
crushed souls don’t shine.
in the darknesses.
surrounding the observed.
they just don’t.
hollow smiles make for an introduction.
but they don’t last.
who’s first and who is last?
what lasts.
throughout a life sentence.
except for someone else’s stories sentence.
betrayed and quartered do the clouds pass.
they dance their danse macabre.
surrounded by the empty.
a void that cannot be passed.
from the now, to future pasts.
we came here not on purpose.
just borrowed from someone else’s dream.
inside and out are just the same.
a mere opposite attraction for those who can feel and escape.
escaping the scene through the tunnels, that surround the clouds.
every thought a detour further from the goal.
it still leads there, just takes longer to reach.
and teach the path to guide us in the absence of light.
tired eyes won’t find the way, not even in the light of things.
no matter in which light.
the observer changes the action’s course.
are we on course?
who else is traveling along?
along. alone. of course.
purpose defeated, on empty meanings.
lean in.
emotions set aside.
just worn thin.
too soon is now.
and as the sky opens its wide mouth, to swallow all pain and passion
away,
we sit.
and observe.
and again.
dine alone.
the lids closed into tiny slits.
words never written hanging from these eyes.
and quietly whispered stories wavering through thin air.
all out in the open.
the sea of thoughts calmed after the storm.
and now silently it ebbs. and it flows.
the buoys presenting their soothing ballet.
a dance pleasing those who witness.
where do i go?
when the sun spreads its wings.
and leaves the clouds behind.
as darkness sets in.
and the moon opens its wide mouth.
particles dancing in the rhythm of ebb and flow.
like a silent ballet.
and a quiet wind whispers words unheard of.
through a half-opened door.
and you remembered how i hid under the tree.
an old pine it was.
which spread its scent.
carried over land and across oceans.
far beyond seasons.
the scent of the pine i had hid under.
its leafs provided shelter.
a warm and soothing blanket of green.
countless unspoken words and stories hanging from each branch.
making for calming lullabies.
and as the wind set in,
it graciously moved into a protective dance.
the pine i had hid under.
the entire world stood still for the fraction of a second.
when you held your breath.
every atomic spin came to a halt.
and only the birds kept singing.
a deadly silence, broken by their choir.
covering everything like a soothing blanket.
to hide under.
to be covered by.
protected.
warm and safe.
a half-empty door,
left unanswered when shut with a high-pitched noise.
who might have been here before?
(they must have) disappeared like a dream that dies as you wake up with
poise.
bodies lay devoured like those buried in the bog.
they’re coming for you, through the clean, dense fog.
you slowly crawl and come to a halt.
your breath rasping from inhaled salt.
no more. no further.
you traveled far.
yet, it’s the end of this road.
the other night i saw you dancing.
and i though that i heard you sing.
quietly, almost inaudible.
and i heard you crying.
silent as the lonesome fawn.
your eyes were desperate.
and i felt your heart beat from a distance.
it was slowly racing, with a weak pulse.
you had spread your wings and were ready to lift off.
when the wind had changed directions and you got stuck.
all alone you sit and listen.
your breath makes little clouds.
i had written you a letter that i never sent.
about the castle that you’d built from the sand beneath your feet,
too afraid to share the thoughts and scare you away.
your eyes had said to stay away.
cautiously we approached the crossroad.
a tiny step at a time.
along the shore, the wind blew a strand of your hair to the back.
and you turned around with your face coloured in sadness.
dawn spread on the horizon when i looked up.
we knew it was time.
to leave.
on our own.
the sun had set.
all too late for an early night.
up north the stars shine less dim.
the empty gun barrel alined with the edge of the counter top.
and next to it, a dark woven blanked barely covers an unknown
body.
empty lights paint freezing shadows on the lifeless face.
they said you’re buried next to the oak we passed numerous times.
one less lie could have saved you from the loss.
you still don’t accept it to be such.
comfortable ends once made for dramatic beginnings.
just an empty blanket to cover up open sore burn wounds.
and her lost leg, that she kept stitching up all over again.
your teeth had been sinking into his skin. deeply.
and you had taken this bitter sample of his blood.
taken a bite of the hollow flesh.
and enjoyed the sip he’d willingly let you receive.
he hadn’t allowed anyone before. except for once.
you shouldn’t have known about it.
as you weren’t the same. and you aren’t to blame.
you’d made him see facets of a light that had seemed to be
gone.
sparkles and shimmers.
for a brief moment.
and he had been careful to not observe.
the stakes were too high to falsify the experiment.
cats cannot be alive in both states.
carefully he’s closing another box that had been left from the
move.
now both states exist again. simultaneously.
the song had ebbed and flowed in a silent background setting.
from and to, the end of the beginning.
on the table next to him still sat the gun that she had left before
you had arrived.
the barrel half-emptied. the barrel must’ve cooled down before.
and next to it, a watch.
the mechanical one that he had kept, but never wore.
it had stopped the moment your telegram had reached him.
the Unruh just stopped spinning.
one more time.
and it read. 11:34.
i remember the day when you wore my skin.
and clouds of dust kept hanging in the air.
one window still half-open when you moaned a sin.
the birds songs left for an instant. and nothing was there.
and all there was to see,
sounded like an empty plea.
some white for the black swan.
but i blinked and it was gone.
never save anything for the way back.
i had taken a peek inside and it was alive.
but now it’s not. anymore.
leaving is easier without farewells.
hitting the road and heading out.
for one last night you saw me well.
it was the first time in forever and a day.
and i enjoyed, that i could leave this hell.
this type of pain is something that i cannot bear, i must say.
i’ll quietly leave,
without farewells.
no traces left in sand.
or anywhere for that matter.
alone and cornered is what i’ve always known best.
the surrounding darkness made for the perfect hideout.
a singular escape plan was once to head west.
failed as sandcastles fell apart. what’s left is to back out.
and moths falter in the shadows of the dim lit lantern’s light.
time stands still as words come crashing in.
an uncarefully chosen word or phrase destroys anything that could have been following.
too many times have unwise choices paved the path. by choice of words. or lack thereof.
time has come to let go.
the box filled with options still placed on the table where i had left it, quite a while ago. out of temptation to risk opening it.
now i know it’s time to finally open it or keep it sealed.
the decision has already been taken.
…
the sky tinted in all dark red and blue,
matching the ink on your printed photograph.
as if just dreamed and never true,
a dream I dreamed on your behalf.
long gone and faded are the memories that we shared,
in the solitude of our secret hideout.
like signals prepared for transmission, but never aired,
it was the secrets we kept from each other aloud.
the book you started writing and left unfinished,
the blank ink drying hollow words.
its meaning though is not worth less or even diminished,
it’s torn and quartered. cut down to uneven thirds.
and when you left,
did you hear the birds sing their lullabies?
when you broke my bones.
one by one.
it didn’t hurt as much.
as when you picked off the scabs.
off my shell.
all at once.
“it needs to be.”.
you said.
and i knew…
i mean i still know…
that you were right.
so, i had let you.
we’d been too far off already, anyways.
since we had left the course.
the beginning had silently drowned in the setting sun’s shadows.
and the stars hadn’t fully made their appearance.
so we couldn’t correct the path.
that we had been sent off to.
neither darkness nor anti-matter had entered the stage.
as we were dancing.
on the plains of the void.
to a bow-dictated rhythm.
the rhythm that we moved along to. synchronously. in line. and all
aligned.
amid the transformation from solid into fluid.
and fluid turning into gas.
reverse reactions.
counter actions.
all at once.
harmonic, instant migration.
inharmonic manifestations.
and so we glide.
along the shoreline.
as the liquid particles ebb and flow.
guided by sprinkles of starlight.
once a storm allows to see.
the empty shells.
the ones you had my scabs picked off of.
the empty white sheet you always carried with you.
to protect you from the sunlight.
its cooling linen fabric and its scent that is so familiar.
it’s now covering what is left of you.
you were obviously prepared.
and yet it couldn’t protect you from the last breathe leaving you.
you never worried whether you’d leave anything behind.
you did. you’re being missed.
the noose loosely strapped around the hollow deer skull you found in
the woods.
the dear skull that you loved and which reminded you of “our”
forest.
last night’s favorite song still quietly reverberating in the
back.
a half-emptied glass on the table top, reflecting the dim lit moon
light.
sketches and letters scattered across the table.
where you sat. and i.
i didn’t pay attention to what you drew.
or maybe just didn’t care.
it’s always been about what you longed.
though we both knew it was a lie.
the letters i had sent you and signed with a drop of my blood and sealed
with a strand of my hair.
you had hastily opened it.
just to slip it back into the envelope and close it.
as if it had never been read.
or as if the words had even ever been written.
it’s quieter now.
you had asked me what i miss.
and as always, i had told you the truth.
that i didn’t think you would… i mean i knew…
i knew that you never cared.
i long for the light.
though listen into the endless night.
in the quiet of the dark i hear thou scream.
soothing the nightmares hidden inside each dream.
i am who you hold for someone else.
delivering the stories no one tells.
i am the one who feeds off of other’s felicity.
i burn. ashamed of my complicity.
and it was all easier, when you slowly broke my bones. one by
one.
your temperature burned my wooden heart.
when quietly observing crashing waves,
and tides echoing at resonance frequency.
all too well-known thoughts and desires,
penned with invisible ink on already filled pages of your book.
the one you hid from others eyes.
and it was all easier, when you sliced my skin.
thin as a sample for an examination.
your absence took all the words I had,
as I quietly drown and sound waves carry away for good.
all too empty did you leave me here,
burdened to make it through another day.
one that you reserved for me.
at 982.2 degrees we’ll meet again,
equal opposites melted by flames.
breathtaking.
the moments when the rain drops hang from the facade.
slowly dripping.
in free fall.
almost as if they’re resisting to follow gravity.
as the rain pours further, outside.
like tears that should be hanging from my eyes.
but nothing seems left to mourn for, that hadn’t already been sold.
sold.
like pleasure.
joy or just comfort.
then i returned to my cage.
returned to the cell that keeps me comfortable.
inside.
the darkness that i’d always known, oh so well.
and that soothes me.
this structure that i built myself.
to keep me safe and protect me from all the noise.
protected inside a walled-in garden of delight.
in here, my silent screams reverberate only for myself.
i wrote the stories on my own and only for myself.
to decorate the walls.
as a keepsake.
to remember what i had forgotten to feel.
you may not come in here.
i locked the only entrance to make sure.
and i’ll stay inside now.
don’t follow me here, it is too dark to see.
i killed the me you knew.
the me i knew so well, myself.
to be free. and leave my cage.
the cage that had been built for me.
the one destined for me. designed for me.
out an in the wild, there was so much light.
more than i had ever seen.
no ends o new beginnings.
no bars to keep me locked-in or that i could hold on to.
free-floating. the sun painting smiles on a face not used to joy.
shadows hiding wrinkles of past tension.
within the wingbeat of a butterfly, clouds come rushing in.
“stop. you’re darkening the sky. leave. don’t take the light.”
the hunter becmae the hunted. an easy prey.
and i again killed the me you thought you knew.
the new me i didn’t know, myself.
to be caged, again.
and leave the free.
to the cage destined to host me.
designed to hold me.
hollow, empty shells thrown away into the void.
cathartic screams, echoing between the walls.
surrounded by all the beauty and the light.
blind and too exhausted i’m staying in the shadows of the night.
the spark that lit a light became a destructive force.
killing anything left inside.
fleeing into words that speak the code of morse.
freedom of interpretation left for observers without insight.
the glasses still half-filled.
like the hollow stories told at the table next to me.
carved with colours, into bodies to present. in the present.
hollow, empty and useless.
no need or use for anyone.
what turns you on?
i found a better friend who never disappoints.
leaving their marks quite visibly as well.
but the pain they leave goes away.
not like the marks i wear on the inside from the others.
and no need to sell myself.
hands down.
hence sown.
she left the scene.
not without creating one.
the empty tooth still hurts pantomimic.
without words to scream, the pain became endemic.
far away from what once felt home.
the inner circle holds a meeting at the master’s dome.
before gaining more insight.
we left the inside.
passing out.
drunk on all hope, whatever about.
your lies swept under the rugs.
mine out in the open, soothed by endorphenic drugs.
the purpose defeated the reasons.
in slow motion, passing all seasons.
walls of bricks built into a void.
pulling your guard up, is what you (did always) avoid.
the lights dimmed to almost entire darkness.
intensifying the fears of the events starkness.
an empty sigh. that no one can hear.
it’s merely hollow pain. not fear.
you cannot hurt me anymore, or so I thought.
oh was I wrong, you still can, no matter how much I fought.
but worry not.
it’ won’t be for long, anymore.
…and we want to flee…
…escape from here…
…I paid the toll and fee…
…nothing left to here and nothing left to fear…
…what we’re falling for…
…eleven thirty-four…
the final mask.
dropped.
from the ceiling.
hiding the curtain for the last act.
all else, just skin and bones.
burning at 212 F.
close to 451 F.
leave your books, without the words never said.
you returned.
one more time.
in my memories.
to laugh me out.
and spit on my grave.
to let me know that I deserve to be who I suffer to be.
you raised the child we never had.
alone. without allowing me in on it.
scentless steps forward into the void.
so long and farewell.
beginnings of the ends.
never felt so comfortable.
omega now becomes alpha.
again.
open doors.
all around.
which one to pick?
which is not safe and sound?
curiosity of what hides behind…
kills the cat whose trust was left blind.
when’s it too soon to take a peek?
options gone, which we were to seek.
lack of trust of what might hide behind.
never sorry, never kind.
to oneself.
the lies swepped under the rug.
a final, distant hug.
too weak to explore what hides behind.
afraid one could see through and find.
discovering what’s too soon,
and when it’s time to plow?
the gown she’d well-sewn,
how about now?
and she’s carrying time on her face.
as much as her scent in her embrace.
I hope you don’t stop at the beginning.
with all those final days ahead.
and never have you ever…
understood me…
just know, that it’s ok…
I know that you have tried…
and so did I…
you left us here without a sigh…
sudden and silent disappearance had been my plan all along…
you took that away from me…
and still I can’t hold it against you…
you’re being missed…
(In loving memory of rrk. You’re being missed.).
I have no words at the moment.
Hey
You
You stood by the ocean
As I met you
You died in the ocean
When I let you
I know it wasn’t me
Who drowned you
We hadn’t even talked
And though you were my world
Until the sun set on Sunset
We had no chance
But to stay apart
Away from what the heart wants
The sun had taken my sight
It had all been so new
It wasn’t you
Who drowned me
And no one needs to know
So why should we pretend
That any of this ever happened
It hadn’t; except for a mirrored image
Reflections onto
An uneven plain
Separated we floated
And in between
The sun and land and ocean
Indifferent motion
You’re standing on the brim
Rocks and waves below
At the bottom
At a foot’s distance
Truth separates the here from the now
The ins and outs of leaving and not staying
You hesitate and so did we
Beginnings became new ends
And ends dance to the beats of your secrets
You’re torn
By opposites
You pull the curtains close
After you stood there
All bare and naked
In vulnerable beauty
They said that the sun had already set
As all of her sons sat down to dine
On the fragments of left endorphins
None of them had grown old
They all burned on the stake
With their remains buried at sea
Scabs and scars aghast
Painting images onto the past
On a canvas of living tissues
Embedded into woven linen issues
She sold a world of honey and blood
Drowning inside an entangled universe’s flood
Without a plan for backup they left
Barely bearing gravity under infinite heft
Steps feeling as small as nano seconds
Towards the door where death beckons
Time stretched far inside these dreams
Where sighs become unheard screams
All eyes turned forward; No looking back.
Warranties expired; Tightening ropes around the neck.
No escape from the ebbing tide; As dim moons light the fire.
Henceforth the scene gets dire.
He rode the wave; It served him well.
A spark of light inside his hell.
Some more beautiful tunes that I’ve been listening to frequently lately and that lets the blood slowly rinse down your hands while the mind wanders around death and ruin.
Shadows live and shadows fly
They breathe and ebb and pass us by
You own the secret to unlock what is wrong and what seemed right
You live up close and circle tight
When all we left has gone to die
Relieved from your last wide lie
Wide and white as any other
You drew me in, I turned to smother
You lift my head towards a conscious light
As feathers blown away from the last night
No ends, too many beginnings
Alphas and Omegas aligned in winnings
Hollow clouds, bridging empty oceans
Static lullabies transformed into outspoken notions
And all we were and all that’s been
Are reverberating fears of sin
I still bled for you, when you silenced me
As you only pitied thee
All I had come to believe, became death and ruin
Whatever you did to me, hasn’t stopped doing
I overcame the silence and the emptiness, or so I thought
when I came all over you
I stopped to be the one I was, when I learned everything you taught
(me)
You came first, I know that, too
I’m a traveler
And I explore your dreams
Something I can’t experience for myself
So, I feed off of your endorphins
All I’ve ever known is how to get away
From what is commonly known as fulfilment
I pretend to have experienced it once
Once upon a time
The illusionist takes what they want
They giveth and they taketh
And leave you desperate and wanting
For all that could’ve been or shouldn’t have been
Endless seas of sounds and sorrows
Blinded by shadows
The shadows that darkness paints into the light
Without ever knowing what’s behind
Hush. Quiet. Listen to the siren’s sound.
All memories faded along the journey.
Imaginary crows waving their silent farewells as they pass.
Following thee.
Thy name come.
Your lies wore thin
As your butterfly wings wouldn’t carry me, anymore
Scars from paper-thin cuts left their marks
On melted ceramic dreams
The haptic shadow of your presence
That I still know in and out and feel blindly
Fades in as darkness rises
And your scent blends in with all those memories
The distant echo of a dream
Tuned-in at the resonance frequency
(That) Was supposed to cover a mystery
And remains as final unresolved jigsaw
An empty linen cloth
Filled, with all the memories left of I and you
In fresh paint, a death struggling moth
There factually is no I in U
“I love you”, you once susurrated into my ears
It was all-in-or-nothing, when I placed my bets
Your empty words that resonated with my hollow fears
Bare naked and siren-esque, you lay on my petal beds
A vile sigh
Another white lie
Per your usual habits
On alternating frequencies as stratus
An empty blanket, carefully folded
Laying on your couch, when you sold it
All quiet in the back of the room
Stories told praying. By the tomb
Quietly crawling up the stairs to hell
Passing disposed body parts in the well
Behind your backyard
Where I’m sitting and waiting with my pulled up guard
I had even adopted your name
While waiting for your return
I guess it’s all been part of your game
That we played on the funeral pyre, where I burn
When I’m gone you will spit on my grave
When I’m done you will again feel safe
We’re asking for forgiveness.
For blessings and curses.
Entanglement of the minds.
Strolling down a lonely lane, hand in hand.
We’re passing ends without beginnings and nothing can stop us.
Though. We know. Elevens always end in in thirty-four.
Omegas losing Alphas along the way.
And quiet becomes unbearable noise.
Darkness turned into golden light.
Black faded to white.
In a dream, that lasts for only fractions of a second.
Exhale innate
Breathe in your sins
Stalemate
Move silently replacing skins
Towards an ocean of fire
Aroused by their desire
The lesser of two evils takes the crown
Bare naked you present yourself, underneath your gown
On the edge, above those hollow grounds
Echoes of distant voices out of bounds
Silence creeps in from under your wooden floors
Cuts and blemishes on washed away shores
Fables told, and fiction sold
Inside and out
Nightmares of old
Quiet whispers thought out loud
Lined up along the shoreline
Demons wait to be fed and dine
Noises of regret
Carried along the riverbed
Eyes rolled back
Lies wide open
Out in the calm
Safe and sorry
Entangled sins drowned on the bottom of the ocean
Like hollow messages, in empty potion bottles
All glass and see-through intentions
Down to the bottom, invalidated void
The lesser of two evils doesn’t make for new beginnings
Everything remains all out in the open
Worn and tired
The eyes staring from hollow sockets
Unsaid words keep hanging from the lips
Like washed away tears
Fears reach through the blanket
On a cold summer morning at 4am
Silver and black flavours mixing in with scents from the previous
night
The dark streets barely lit
And still comfortable to pass
It feels like a home
Never before imagined
A warm and comfortable feeling in the guts
All fears abandoned
Back.
To square one.
And hardship never failed you
It keeps coming back
Breaking the curtains away for thou
As if to let some light to enlighten your track
To witness the protection from the butterflies
Until the last dream has died away and cut the ties
Stay with me for just one more day
Oh sweet lullaby that resonates inside my head,
while I pray
The deathbed prepared for me, where I bled
I know too well how to be chained to my knees
When you forgot to tell anyone about the keys
The keys to the abyss in my closet
My oh so comforting niche
Everything piled up in my safe-deposit
I long have died by the hand of the witch
Nothing ever saved for the way back
No matter the abundance or lack
You know the end. Right?
Teach me what to say…
Before I leave.
Quietly.
You wanted you to say all the things…
Left unspoken for so long.
Feathered and tarred.
On your deathbed. Starred.
Leaving without a sigh.
Empty handed…
Presenting all the gifts that never reached you.
I lay, on a bed of wings.
Left with nothing but a keepsake.
A token of what I lost.
Feathered and tarred.
All memories faded. Charred.
And you sting to thee.
And you cling to thee.
You sink for thee.
You sing for thee.
Sirens behold.
It’s dark outside.
Much darker on the inside.
I’ll leave you with this insight.
and for all i know,
the man should’ve had a face.
one with knowing stories of old.
feeding off of the darkness around.
and for all i know,
he could not be seen.
invisible as the unspeakable.
living in the vicinity of their dark lights.
and for all i know,
he would own two shadows.
directed to the wide open ocean.
on rocks where they’d unite as one at night.
and for all i know,
he avoided other’s presence.
he’d carve a niche under his shadows’ wings.
to keep him concealed and far away.
and for all i know,
he never existed.
not in plain sight.
and not in shadows.
and for all i know,
no one has ever seen him.
or perceived his presence.
not even considered his existence.
deep blue. exhibiting its darkest form.
you hide in plain sight to shine.
the worst of their wisdom, is keeping us warm.
under the shadows of our pine.
lies formed inside the eye of a storm.
back apart together, uniting as a swarm.
nothing to give.
nor to receive.
out of opportunities and forlorn.
empty lines queue to mourn.
you pushed the limits,
beyond the imaginable.
your little butterfly’s wing flap stings,
… you evitable creature,
radiating beauty through inculpable eyes,
fawn-like creature.
as beautiful as cruel,
your wings were as sharp as razors.
cutting deep into flesh until nothing’s left,
but death and ruin.
long lost and forgotten is any resemblance,
of who you were before your transformation.
deep a thousand horizons over the setting sun,
a scenery replayed on death marches over and over again.
the heart wants what it wants they said,
not knowing how abysmally deep hearts can sink.
you sank your teeth,
into me.
i had left my self-made hell on earth to ascend,
and you turned it into a living nightmare.
Your blanket that was torn around the edges,
Rough but warm, it kept your pledges,
Comforting and known,
Your safe space in despair, it served as your throne.
You used it to build your hut and carve a niche,
The broken end fixed by your grandma’s stitch,
Later, far later, when you longed for a replacement,
All you were able to find was a whole in the basement.
You’re there.
Me over here.
Subtle context.
Easy to overhear.
You returned the flowers I never intended to send.
In turn I promised to never pretend.
Oh, things have gone so awfully.
The wrongs you righted went so… lawfully.
Awkward distance in close proximity.
Your presence reminds of the sinful divinity.
Why?
Why are you over there?
While I am here.
Why?
Are you so distant?
When I wait for you sincere.
Five! Why don’t you all go fuck yourselves and leave me alone?
Her eyes as deep as they are brown
Drawing me in, and making me drown
No way to keep a thought straight
Convention forbids following the path of eight
Don’t scare her away, we know you’re drawn
Drawn-in by this beautiful fawn
Keep a distance, beware the defeat
Too close, following the dark passenger
Out of the driver seat
No one here to stop the messenger
Close the book and change the drapes
Bring in our well-known mechanics of escapes
The anonymous fawn
That keeps me drawn
Seeks well beyond reason
Weeps and sells beyond season
the senses set to auto-motion
piloting without a notion
along, aside, laying in the moss
alone, stuck to a wooden cross
all butterflies forfeited their wings
albeit unspoken announcements of the kings
numb the sorrow
work on a new tomorrow
was it the world that turned and left me here
or me who turned and left the world sincere
It’s empty down here.
Down at the foot of your ladder,
This one entrance to your throne.
Under water. Drowning everything and everyone around you.
The path that’s been paved by thorns and stings.
An aisle of rocks, as close to the mountains as to the sea.
A calm whisper of the wind’s touch.
Gently touching your forehead on an exhausted, sunny Sunday
afternoon.
Everyone pays your welcome respects.
In awe of what may yet to be.
It’s what you’ve been trained. To be praised.
Forever and a day.
A walk in this quiet alley,
With the gentle touch of a poisoned hand.
Watching from a distance,
It’s been all clear and foreseeable.
So, you’re telling me this, now.
(While) wearing your death mask that covers your vow.
I carry your birth mark under my wings.
When I tug at your heartstrings.
You rose when I went black.
Any question asked remains an attack.
From your distance, over there.
It might make sense. Not from over here.
I open the door to my black room, which I know so well. Anxiously awaiting the next opportunity to get there, I stumble in, head over heels. My eyes are slowly adapting to the gloom. I need no light, just the comfortable sound of the ceiling timber singing its cracking melody. The last time I passed through this door, is well past any reason.
A shrine, so richly covered, appears right in front of my blinded eyes. As if someone had been waiting for me to discover it. A red-ish glow embraces my retina. The hollow pain of memories buried in this bunker keeps me crawling forward. Deeper into the void.
Here I am safe. Here I can breathe. This is my space.
Glaring into the bright void, that’s filled with what once was supposed to be your past
Empty and hollow reflections on the walls made out of your collective memory
We’re sitting on the overthrown remains of trees, once majestically providing shades to hide
The hall of the dead passed by miles ago, on your path to retrieve a final blessing
The swans, guide your march, singing their unmistakable farewell melody
Their chanting choir, a million lost moments wide, lays itself open to us
Silent lights
Cover the shadows
Bright tones
Reveal the light
Intrinsic butterfly calls to return to annihilation
Humbly
We’re marching
To the sound
Of the swans’ songs
Deliberately
We’re following
The silent sound
Of the swan songs
you’re wearing your inhuman code on the back
the coat turned over, ready to sink your teeth
into the void of what’s awaiting beneath
with the lesser half of a lifetime left, to embrace the lack
and when we will met again
you will have been looking differently
or maybe it was just the light
Oh, these beautiful landscape marks
All is light and all is calm
Everything so wide
Sitting on the rocks, staring at the sea
I could finally see
The ceaseless opportunities opening up right ahead
Shadows patiently hid out behind
Slowly and empty-headed I moved forward
Even looking the deceitful right in the eyes
Too late
You left a note on my sideboard that read,
You wouldn’t understand… all the things that I had said.
You left a mark on my table,
Next to the gun you pointed to my head.
All words were quiet,
Long dead and meaningless before even outpoken.
And then I met you again,
At the mourning site.
It was all different,
Or maybe, it was just the light.
Back then, things were difficult,
And now, they’re all so far gone.
A light,
That sparked the shadows,
All bright,
The thoughts and words exchanged.
No sense or deeper meaning,
Ever came to live, from your mouth.
Just accusations,
Filled with soothing words.
We walked in silence,
Next to each other.
Watching others mourn the loss,
At this funeral.
Words cleaned from throats so sore
We’ve been here, before
The singularity of “we”, planted the seed
Let me ask you again: did you look down at your feet?
Empty sheets of drawings on the table
The matters stayed up late and unstable
Dreams fading into wakefulness
Before you had forsaken us
Thank you, Gared! Eternally grateful for your inspiration.
empty eyes
and hollow shells
endless lies as lists of words describing loss
simple senses
careless minds
moebius bands connecting dots of togetherness
distracted, cut and broken to the bones
exciting danger of tasting forbidden zones
Empty shells filling hollow graves
Heavy waves
Hitting shorelines in second fractions
Fluid transactions
Transmissions held back in translation
Silent sensation
Patterns lost in marble grounds
Indefinite rounds
Reflections left in a fairy fable
Decay’s never been that stable
A quiet exit strategy
For a calculated casualty
Heart beats in a quiet breast
Fine unease, no place for rest
The seabed lays
In amber lights
And Pantone coloured shadows
Sliced sights
Of the phantom city
Pierce through eyes
Ebb and flow
Erratic rhythms
Skies kept hanging, all apron blue
Bog bodies left for you to sue
Skin tanned in grey and silver tones
The kings descent from fallen thrones
New stories of ritual histories
Resolving puzzle-mysteries
A shadow hiding from its own inflection
Remains, a displayed reflection
Our lives are well past season
The speed of travel, well past reason
The waves that traveled for so long
To reach the rough, enduring shores
Indulged the inevitable
Devouring grains of sand and salt
Down to the fossilized end of the story
And embarked on a final cruise
Stories were left untold with yelling vowels
With roars of bitterness and sorrow
The sea reflected it back
To wash away the torn remains
Tongues kept prison for the better half of a while
And held away from a last and little smile
Tiny paths to quiet gold
Like sand became the glass of old
Not meant as just a phrase
The master of the game was and will be, Hades
Putting an end to all means
Quietly walking away from the scenes
And all they said were means to drown…
A gesture to abandonment, to make one frown …
These words that keep so sweetly resonating from your mouth …
Just deep red clouds, pointing south …
Our homes burned to ashes …
Hidden treasures laying quiet, waiting for the crashes …
All hollow the eyes stare into the sun …
Reflections from the barrel of your gun …
In awe they left, standing still around the circle …
Made by man to fall …
Absorbed into the well that’s been kept all unprotected …
From below a dying whistle bellowing a final march …
Descent into the light …
Ascent into the flames …
I’ll see you in hell
not a lot is going on, so i’m just reading the void in between lines
all views clear
the future veer
loss detained
minds attained
last words
zeroes and thirds
missed farewells
graveyard bells
wells as deep as oceans
lily-poisoned potions
dissected throats
as antidotes
quiet echoes caught inside
worn and carried by the tide
all explanations found on the last pages
compass set to the north of ages
the dark hair
well concealed
behind the mirror.
you fly through silver air.
no secrets revealed.
your distance perceived nearer.
lies locked away, behind your mask.
a drip from scented flask.
darkened red
your lips shine, above my hips.
you move,
the curtains pulled away.
approve,
innocent victims, killed along the way.
farewell
little fire.
your spell,
is my desire.
I am evil, I am your hell.
Incarnations of a different state.
I turn your thoughts into a spell.
My writings on your wooden slate.
Telling stories of a different life.
Post-manic determinisms of lost reality.
Intruding your very personal hive.
I’m feeding off of you. And so do you of me.
Empty shells, left by the beach we never walked.
Transformation of a puppet, locked.
You said I’m quiet, yet you never talked.
Ugly truth revealed, though not unlocked.
Senses failed,
The inevitable,
Kept injailed,
To become objectionable.
The sole window pointing to the trigger of your gun.
Pointing to the eternal dismay, lit by the sun.
Farewells are easier than the fallout.
Thanks, I’ll find my way out.
glass sparkles on the floor,
guiding thoughts to the ceiling for
company, when staring at the ocean
and my dark princess, fed me poisoned potion.
these eyes, that betrayed all trust,
empty promise shells running down wrists like rust,
in darkened red,
paints the hall of the dead.
your butterfly larvae collection dried up,
conserved in formaldehyde, wings headfirst tied up.
go first, and leave no sign,
worry not, we’ll find you, we’ll be fine.
will you?
we’ll haunt thou.
a loss of smell,
senses left bare in the sarcophagus,
you spoke your spell,
catering to the shallow hypothesis.
go first, and leave no sign,
worry not, we’ll find you, we’ll be fine.
will you?
we’ll haunt thou.
conceal the past,
and keep it close.
truth be told, at last,
like the books of quiet prose.
drawn into former sin,
not to lose, and not to win.
worry not, we’ll find you.
worry not, we’ll haunt thou.
this is an end
of wrongful anticipations, of dreams reflecting reality
all drama abandoned in the sand
the fogs pushed away, by the old oak tree
that made for the perfect hideout
climb the ladder, enjoy your clout
eyes attached to the empty road
followed by eternal lies for your scapegoat
tailored omission made for the perfect storm
eyesight blinded by no shape or form
sorrows of past endeavors, hidden in the heather
leaves bury your black secrets, covered by a feather
i cut the wings and clipped them onto needles
you say we were united - needless
behold your own, enjoy the silence with widely closed eyes
cut loose from the strings. the ties.
slowly
slicing wrists
warm and crawling
spirits leave the altered body
you came to see my failure
now observe, and stand in awe
anaemic royalties donating for the cause
abandoned (are all) senses of common mistakes
and just because you pretend that i’m a liar
doesn’t mean that i ever told the truth
a smile, too rare to be captured in the moment
excuses don’t make for counter accusations
it wasn’t me, who left the scene
even a bad actor still knows, when to leave the stage
set free to continue the path, you so well know
and practiced to perfection
i’m the antagonist and you’re the martyr
as your vain requires
in this little play you laid out so perfectly
just tar pit traps stepped on in hindsight
No more dreams of happy endings.
I defeat.
You won.
Too tired of the countless beginnings of endings.
The way we (as Western societies) live today, is free from empathy
for each other or consideration for others.
We’ve been raised with the mentality that having power is the most
important thing to survive.
Survival? Really? What are the problems we’re facing?
Do we starve? Do we have existential fears?
The fears we have are not real. Not existential,
We only worry about the superficial BS we grew up with.
Are we beautiful enough? Are we smart enough? Are we liked enough?
Cut the crap!
We totally lost our ability to connect with those around us.
And in the current “crisis” this becomes even more obvious.
Just because we’re asked to keep a safe distance, does it mean that we
may not smile anymore or look at each other?
Does the virus become more infectious if we look at each other and
recognize that we’re not alone in this world?
At the same time, some of us seem to think that this is just a
hoax.
A man-made conspiracy with whatever goal.
(－‸ლ)
Seriously?
Now, like sheep we run to the drugstore and prep.
Prep for what?
We neglect the fact that we’re not alone.
As long as we have everything prepared for ourselves, we don’t have to
think about that we are around 8 billion.
Shame on us.
Shame on us for neglecting that we’re not alone.
Shame on us that we don’t care for anyone but ourselves.
Shame on us that we don’t care for who comes after us.
It seems ridiculous to me that we’re in such panic and fear of death
and dying.
We live and we die. There’s no way around that.
You volunteered to be the host
Not knowing about what’s inside
Black wings, of the eternal ghost
Giving up, on protecting any insight
A quiet lie
Thoughtful regret and abandonment of the self
Read like a book, placed on a shelf
For the last good-bye
The ocean spreads its dark wings
And frowns upon you
The hunger for the heads of kings
Revelation comes to you, too
Farewell to all alibis
Betrayal always showed from your eyes
Used and broken
The wings left on the ground
Remaining token
It’s now all safe and sound
burned and quartered.
not destined to ever stop turning.
a spark entering the stage.
illuminated sceneries.
long time practiced schemes (that were left), went overboard.
children and women first.
endangered species don’t suffer from the same pities as their
ancestors.
no urge to share a social life.
just devoted passion to the one.
they broke the window.
allowing a glimpse into this life.
i broke the mirror which they held up high.
high over themselves.
a hollow stick left, stung into the eyes, to blind the pain, it was
supposed to cover.
Hush. Say not a word. This is your last dance.
101010 equal to the age at a time of wrongful romance.
Coincidence.
Not so much.
Liars betray.
We thrive on particle decay.
I served my duties, oh so well.
I’ll see you in hell.
There’s no way where we begin
No end to tomorrow
Feel the sorrow
Count me… in…
You believe that strength is a characteristic I don’t possess
Fuck you, I just don’t obsess
The same fears you let your false weakness take over
It’s your world that is out of order
Fuck you, I won’t be your dog
Fuck you, I will suffocate in a bog
No fears left to strive for
I left the hall of your dead, neglecting your war
I’m not your puppet, fucking puppet master
I won’t ever play by your rules, my alabaster
Lay low
Things are so
Your shady eyes
Stay low
Your instinct’s lies
Tell me no
You’ve gone out living… alone
You’ve gone out the ceiling… naked to the bone
I left myself in your mirror
Not that would make you see any clearer
Your shady eyes
Lay low
Don’t tell me lies
That I already know
Good-bye my love
Good-bye my butterfly
Good night my love
Good night my indispensable friend.
And all of you, that resonates inside the me
Dark insights, a fool has paid my fee
Worn thin,
In borrowed skin,
My sin,
You win.
Encounters ending in stalemate positions
Treason for your countersigned petition
No We in I and I love thee
Inherent punishment to set them free
Who are we to make a choice
All that resonates, the tingling of your voice
A special day. For a special person. Grateful to have met you.
Planes Mistaken For Stars - Prey
Cable - Take The Stairs To Hell
Tool - Fear Inoculum
Rosetta - Terra Sola
Cult Of Luna - A Dawn To Fear
Hvoesch - Lovelorn
Mamiffer - The Brilliant Tabernacle
Chelsea Wolfe - Birth Of Violence
Sol - Black Mountain
Russian Circles - Blood Year
Lana Del Rey - Ultraviolence
Kokomo - Totem Youth
Thought has come…
Like rain dropping on your bare chest…
Times stretched, under your thumb…
Let me lay down, to rest…
It all passed glowing…
You left without even knowing…
You returned the goods, that hold no meaning, anymore…
Your accusations became such a bore…
I played the part you provided for me…
You again played yours so perfectly…
Off to a second act and to a third…
The words left unsaid are left all blurred…
Closer to omega…
I walk down the aisle…
Down there I’ll meet myself at Vega…
it won’t be long, it won’t be a while…
Time has come…
To lay my alter ego to rest…
I’ve played the role of my own alum…
I’ve anyway just been a guest…
In the eye of time…
Thyme, another misspelling of my name…
Listen to:
Your own or someone else’s fucking heartbeat
A wing beat.
Since you left for your retreat.
From here to gone.
Another Chelsea Wolfe song.
A lynx of Schroedinger’s herd, turns worlds around.
180 degrees a second, nickel wound.
Ones and zeros make for tens.
Or simply zeros, hence.
Branded memories make for perfect scars.
Distant timezones, identical falling stars.
I left a note, on your kitchen table.
You took the keys, made our experiment unstable.
Too many lies of yours to bear.
A high price to pay, for just a one-way fare.
Two-sided coins and double-edged swords.
I meant all I said, but you reversed my words.
No peace, after avowals in the photo booth.
Who care about truths.
Thank you.
Numbers. All that’s left.
1134. Burn me.
Draft the board.
Start the game.
Bring the creatures in.
I felt your pulse increase.
You tapped the rythm of my heart beating.
Synchronized and in line.
Desire, hidden behind the obvious.
I kept the shirt you chose for my inauguration.
Your naked eye, woke my demons. Oh, sweet 666.
While you draft your lies, right next to me.
I stumble and I fall.
Blindly.
Ignoring all methodical senses.
You’re poisonous.
A Siren calling.
It’s been like that, from the first day getting of your car:
Alpha and Omega, sea and land, light and dark, silence and noise, bad
and good, fear and hope, white and black.
And this, is how all Greek tragedies end.
The combined nickname, as the perfect example for the failed
chemistry.
The whole being more, than the sum of its parts.
Lavinia’s dream… Never existed.
Your game taught me that.
None of this was ever real.
It just didn’t happen.
Burning all your keepsakes, just pushed it deeper into my collective
memory. The lie, that I keep telling myself.
What existed, but actually never existed.
I’m sorry, to disappoint you once again, but I’m the one with the truly photographic memory.
…I am the devil that you called…
…I am the curiosity that made you weak…
…I am the darkness that you hide…
…I am the demons that you carry, you didn’t know you have…
…and I’m the one that you see…
…when you look into the mirror, right behind you…
I don’t get how some people just don’t get it.
They behave in a certain way and when you give them obvious hints,
they still don’t get it ¯_(ツ)_/¯.
Well, maybe it’s just me and I just speak a different language.
Welcome back, my dear friends Irony and Sarcasm.
The beginning of ends…
I wish I had kept my secrets…
Go away…
Stay away…
Nothing ever existed…
Pure lies that surface the need…
Go away…
Stay away…
Your affection and attention…
Mean nothing but to stay away…
Go away…
Stay away…
We all die alone.
What are you afraid of?
It’s OK.
Just let it go.
You wanted me…
To put a sign on your hand…
Though you pushed me away…
You denied to approve of mutual trust…
I denied to accept it…
I denied to see what’s happening…
Will I die alone?
Will I die forlorn?
Yes.
I too will die forlorn.
Do I care?
No, I don’t fucking care!
What do I care about?
You’re right!
Nothing!
I don’t fucking care about anything!
Why do I despise connection?
What is wrong with you? You ask.
Nothing.
Everything.
Do I care?
No.
I don’t care about anything or anyone at all.
I just don’t care.
Today, exactly two years ago, I boarded a plane.
I went on a journey of which I didn’t know what to expect.
I had no idea where it would lead me.
I had no clue about what I would get myself into.
I made a lot of mistakes, and I took a lot of wrong decisions.
But still, I don’t regret a thing.
Today I thank all those, that helped me become who I am now.
Those, that made my life miserable at times.
Those, that betrayed me.
Those, that I let myself be used by.
Those, that kicked me, when I was on my knees.
You knew what you did and you did it on purpose.
I still won’t hold it against you.
But know and always be aware:
You have to try harder.
You can’t break me.
You can’t destroy me.
You underestimated me and I warned you to never underestimate me.
i watch the trees change color…
and leaves falling…
over and over again…
seasons and years compressed…
in time and space…
it must be lightyears away…
that I was chasing butterflies…
as if they were ever real…
i had gone to a dark and somber place…
keep out, the signs said…
too busy fighting demons for my usual protection mechanisms to take
over…
curiosity not only kills cats…
it’s all just been illusions…
sitting by the trees…
a siren’s call…
in the advent of a fall…
gravity’s eating my soul…
the wings i grew are stronger though…
pushing me forward… never saving anything for the swim back…
I am convinced that we only learn through wrong decisions and
pain.
Over the course of the last two years, I have taken more shitty
decisions than I could ever imagine.
Now I’m glad I did.
Boy, have I learned a lot of lessons…
I find myself listening to a lot of amazing, beautiful and heartfelt
songs lately.
I’m not talking about the ones with growling vocals, though.
One song that resonates a lot in particular, is “Cruel World”.
It seems I’m getting back into my old sense for sarcasm.
By whom is it, you ask? Go figure it out. Or leave it. Nuff said.
And once more,
Resetting everything.
To start, again.
Over and over,
Another Groundhog Day.
Throughout the past years I have met a lot of people that would later
turn out to be _paths or _ists.
Most of these, I let get close to me and even fell for, before I
knew.
I had to learn the hard way, that they -no matter how much I wanted it
to not be true- are simply not capable of feeling empathy or anything
for anyone, other than themselves.
I’ve had a chance to analyze their behavior after the fact.
One thing I learned about these species is that they feel safe, as long
as they think they’re uncovered.
One mistake one must not make is, to let them know that you’re analyzing
them, as much as they study you.
They feed off their victims’ unawareness. Where it gets hard is, when
you fall for them and feel so deeply for them, that even their
_paths or _ists personality doesn’t allow you to
properly disconnect yourself.
Once you find the courage to standup for yourself, it hurts you deeply.
An unbearable pain that is.
At the same time, it frees you from the burden to be kept prisoner of
theirs.
After all I still try to figure out, how they could be helped.
I know they’re not aware or at least not in control of their
disorder.
And I don’t hold it against them. Still, I wish there was a means to
help them reflect and change.
For their own benefit.
I now am aware of many of the warning signs, and wish I won’t make
the same mistake again.
It will only cause pain, death and ruin.
They know how to hide their true self.
Other than regular traffic, the metro flows in opposite direction. But why? ¯_(ツ)_/¯
You shine
In the spotlight,
That hurts my eyes.
You thrive
In the darkness,
That sparks demons to stay.
Lavinia’s dream was mine.
A bright light, keeping passengers away.
Me. And you. And them. Eternally.
You chose betrayal,
Blood lusting portrayal.
Your weapon of choice,
Against my quiet voice.
A promise destroyed, within the blink of a butterfly’s eye.
Where dreams went to die.
You know me, you said.
But you don’t.
A future. A gamble. A bet.
Dot. Dash. Dot.
You pretended to be the one
You promised to be the one
You imitated to be the one
You initiated to make me feel like the one
Though, you left your keys on the table
Without a word of good-bye
Without an explanation
Both unstable
No matter how much you pry
You wouldn’t bother to listen to my station
We never walk
We never talk
You took me into the fire
You pretended to not be a liar
Is it always like this?
Is it always like this?
Nothing but lies
You proudly carry false truth in your eyes
Let me be there
“Don’t you dare”
You played me like your invisible trade
Misinterpreted love, prone to fade
We never walk
We never talk
You took me into the fire
You pretended to not be a liar
Is it always like this?
Is it always like this?
This is not what it’s supposed to be
Open your eyes. Why can’t you see?
I have recently been thinking a lot about “home” and what that meant to me. For the longest time I had thought that “home” was a physical place. A place that I wanted to always come back to. Where everything is cozy, nicely decorated and welcoming. Where I would feel rooted.
I was wrong.
There came a time, where I found the true meaning of what home really is for me. It’s not a physical place. It’s not about what I surround myself with. And it doesn’t have a geographical location. Sttill it feels like a place. But it can basically be anywhere. Anywhere, where I don’t feel misplaced, but secure and have a sense of belonging. Even when I traveled to other places, I took this home with me and knew that I was there. And that this was exactly where I belonged.
I knew for a fact, because I had found just that. I hadn’t specifically been looking for it, neither had I known before, that I even longed for it. And it felt good. It felt right. I had found my home. It wasn’t necessarily specifically convenient, nor was it perfect, but that didn’t matter. It was real and felt right.
Anyway, as fast as I found it, I lost it. One day it just silently disappeared. It had been torn down, I was told. And I could tell, because no matter where I went or what I did, I felt misplaced from that moment on. Like a plucked flower, put into a vase. It it there for a while, with limited radius, but it dies fast. Still, I didn’t want to believe that it was gone and I tried to go back. Over and over again. Many times. Just to realize, that it indeed was gone. My home was not there, anymore. Now I’m wandering around. Feeling misplaced, wherever I go, ever since.
I’m not looking for a new home, anymore and I won’t. I had found my home. Now that it’s gone, I don’t want to get into the comfort of feeling home anywhere, anymore.
One thing I also realized is that there can only be one place that you call home. Like in the German word “Heimat”, but also as in “Heimweh”. The one place that you’re desperately longing for, that makes you feel at home.
I’m sitting at a bar, enjoying a beer in another than my home
country.
Next to me, two guys entering, sitting next to me and start talking to
each other in my mother tongue.
They’re in IT/Tech.
They’re talking about RabbitMQ, redis, Node.js and Docker deployment as
if they knew a thing about it.
At least 50% of their statements are either BS or just plain and simply wrong.
BS Bingo…
I’m about to say something in German, just to embarass them, but decide
to let it slide.
WTF. Lifeisweird.
Rolling paths lay in front. Ahead…
Guiding pasts into the present tense…
In the absence of night, mourning the dead…
With a shepherd’s sense…
Our fears transformed into a new reality…
Your life has locked me out. You took the key…
A moth fleeing the dark…
Leaving open wounds, supposed to be forgotten. A spark…
Moments shy of anticipation…
The sounds of reverse drop-b notation…
Echoes of the silent night…
You keep hiding in plain sight…
No matter, how hard I try…
I can’t follow you, sweet butterfly…
You can’t love the one…
Wake up, dear. I will be gone…
All eyes stand still, all breathing stops…
As the light migrates through woven trees…
The barrel of the gun, lays still…
Next to the table, [that] she placed in the corner of our room…
The photographs you never took…
Next to the keepsake scent to remember…
The wooden door left shut…
As if [it had] never been opened…
Shadows on the wall…
Welcome back the passengers…
The view all blurry…
I reunite with my long forgotten, reliable companions…
Welcome back…
I knew you wouldn’t let me down…
Once upon a time, there was a curious little princess. Her favorite thing to do was watching the starry sky. The stars’ glowing and shimmer held a magic that fascinated her. She couldn’t tell why observing the sky at night fascinated her that much, though. The little princess’ castle was built next to the ocean that she loved equally much. Whenever she couldn’t sleep, she would go outside to the ocean’s shore, lay down in the warm, dark-yellow sand and look up to the night sky. The glow and shimmer of the celestial body delighted her and made her feel secure. Once in a while she would observe a falling star. Whenever that happened, she made a wish. She wished she could just fly up to the stars, dance with them and find answers she had been seeking ever since she found her interest in the night sky.
She began learning everything she could, about stars and the universe. She would soak-in any knowledge related to these luminaries. The more she learned, the hungrier she became to uncover all secrets about these wonderful bearers of night light. She had a feeling that there was more to the stars than just its sheer, obvious beauty.
She studied it from ever changing perspectives. Different angles of observation, using telescopes and watching at different times of night.
The answers she was seeking though, didn’t reveal themselves. Driven by her curiosity, she consulted scientists, savants and all kinds of specialists, hoping they would be able to help her find the answers she was looking for. None of them could help.
The little princess became sad as she didn’t know how to find, what she was looking for.
It came the point where she already wanted to resign from her quest. One day, she was laying in the sand by the ocean again, and once more watched the star’s orientation rotate as time passed, with her mind all exhausted and empty. When unexpectedly, an old scientist she hadn’t met before, stopped by and asked whether he may sit next to her to watch the stars. She approved and he sat next to her, looking up to the sky, like she did. After sitting next to each other for a while,he asked her in a sonorous but friendly voice, whether she was also just enjoying this beautiful night’s luminary’s dance.
She didn’t quite understand what he was saying and looked at him, confused. He seemed to see in her eyes that she had something on her mind. And he calmly asked, if she knew what answers she was looking to find.
His question caught the little princess by surprise and she realized that she didn’t exactly know, which answers she had been looking for. The old man looked at her and just said “For some answers, we may never have the respective questions. And we don’t have to. Sometimes it is sufficient to just accept and enjoy the beauty of the moment we are in.”, then slowly stood up and left.
In that moment she felt light, like freed from a heavy burden that had been lifted from her. And her heart was filled with joy.
And she lived happily ever after.
They had been walking for quite some time already.
Neither of them remembered what time they actually started.
The way back seemed too far to be considered, though they weren’t sure
how far it’d be to the other side.
“Just keep walking”, the gray-haired guide would’ve said.
“When you reach the point where it seems too far to return, you will
notice. And you will realize that you’re on the right path.”.
It sounded strange, when his words reverberated in their minds. “Hadn’t he also mentioned something about a story that needs to be told along the way?” She was thinking by herself as they looked at each other. “What kind of a story?” she remembered that he had asked the old man. “The story that first comes to your mind, will be the one”.
The sun was at its peak, reflecting tiny glimmers of photons on the sand, guiding each of their footsteps. Given what the old man had said, they must’ve been well on their way, as time progressed. Still, neither of them had any fragments of a story on their mind.
They slowly and quietly continued strolling along the shore line. The waves breaking with a hissing and rumbling sound, contrasting the otherwise entire silence. It almost felt meditative. Both were sunk in their minds. Individually and united.
As they got closer to an aggregation of rocks, she saw something that looked like a maze. A labyrinth of rocks, assembled in a way that must have been made by someone with the purpose to be found. As they came closer it manifested itself to indeed be a maze. Mighty and awe-inspiring were the rocks laid out. The sunlight breaking through the stones, in almost microscopic beams, wandering through the rock’s porous surface.
“At night the stars’ and moon’s light must be beautiful to observe from the inside”, he thought by himself. The place was scary, as much as it had a magical appeal to it. It drew their attention closer. Almost, as if it lured them in. Throwing all worries overboard, they decided to just go in to soak-in the astonishment of this place. For a while, they were already wandering inside this entangled place, as the sun began to set.
He was wondering how they would be able to find an exit out of this place, once darkness would set in, but pushed the thought away.
What felt like an eternity later, they were still inside and walking deeper into the structure. At first they hadn’t seen it, but the further they went in, they realized that -whoever had built this place- had carved marks and symbols into some of the rocks. They couldn’t quite tell their meaning, but were amazed by the beauty of it. They tried to remember as many of the gravings as they possibly could, so they would investigate the meaning later.
When they found a symbol that seemed like a group of stars, they realized that it had gotten dark already. Sun had set and the only light visible, was that of the moon and the stars above them. How would they be able to find the structure’s exit? They were looking at each other, unsure what to do, when she realized that the carvings must be instructions on how to escape the structure.
The group of stars indicated to use the stars at the firmament above them, as navigation. Remembering the other symbols they had found before revealed, that these made up patterns related to the structure of the rocks, that had become almost a dungeon, the deeper they had gotten into it.
Realizing this, they followed the patterns one by one along the rocks. Hours passed and they almost already felt they had gotten it all wrong, a slight shimmer of light revealed itself in front of them. Sunrise had set in and, given the structure’s exit angle, guided them right to the escape.
As they reached the end of the maze, exhausted and starving, the ocean calmly laid in front of them. They instantly knew that they had reached the journey’s goal. Both sat down in the light yellow sand that had already been dried and lightly warmed by the first sunbeams of the day. Happily they looked at each other, knowing they had made it.
The story, the old man had referred to had revealed itself. It was the story about their journey.
The story about their walk that had begun without clarity of the goal.
The story about their walk that had led them to a maze-like structure, full of puzzles.
The story about their walk on which they unitedly solve these puzzles and where they find their way to the other end of the island.
The end.
And all that’s left was nothing but the ocean’s tide…
Whatever happened, remains in sight…
A moment that’s not to be forgotten…
Whatever you got yourself into…
Skin stripped to the bone, rid of cotton…
Welcome. This is your intro…
As dawn fades, the abyss allows a glimpse…
Given your presence, no shivers present (themselves) in your limbs…
Eternally wide, thousands of minds away…
We fade…
Into each other, abiding Proton decay…
Newly found fate…
We left off to higher goals…
Unified, our sacred souls…
A moment, shy of anticipation…
You looked through the mirror…
Right through, to the other side…
Your captivating smile, echoes on their inside…
Inside. Marks left an insight…
Into another self…
529 is not a number worth sticking to…
As much is clear. “The rest will have been history”, they will have been
saying…
All seas remain calm…
All oceans stand still…
Sounds of a clapping palm…
Resonate with a coherent will…
A dark blanket, protecting uncovered ground…
United it moves. Safe and sound….